


We're All Struggling

by Meowfish



Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, Moral Lessons, Past Relationship(s), Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 17:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19873051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meowfish/pseuds/Meowfish
Summary: The Watcher is struggling with her inability to save everyone at Caed Nua. Aloth tries to reassure her and assuage her guilt.





	We're All Struggling

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all! After reading so many AMAZING fanfics on AO3, I’ve decided to come back to my fanfiction writing routes after a nearly decade long hiatus. If anyone is interested, my other works are available on fanfiction.net (mostly YYH) under the name venusgirl. Thanks to all for reading!
> 
> My Watcher is human, ocean folk from the Deadfire, and a mindstalker (previously cipher only from PoE1). And...here we go!

_ First came the tremors. The awful, tumultuous tremors that knocked the Watcher off her feet, the book she was reading tumbling to the ground, and rippled the water of the fountain in Brighthollow’s hall. Then came the sound of a low rumble, earth splitting, tiles cracking, and stone being demolished. Then came the screams. Screams of fear, of pure terror, of confusion and chaos. Feeling a wave horror, her own and countless others', Samudra flung open the door of Brighthollow and stopped dead in her tracks as she saw what lay before her. A giant adra hand rising from the dirt, using the ground as leverage to escape its earthen tomb. She stood dumbstruck for a moment until something collided with her and she was knocked from her feet. Fully out of her reverie, Samudra saw what had crashed into her--a young Orlan woman, Krista, who had recently started at Caed Nua as an herbalist.  _

_ "Lady!" she began, "Hurry! We've got to get out of here!" She sprung up, extending her hand to Samudra, who accepted gratefully, standing up quickly.  _

_ "Go!" Samudra commanded. "Grab anyone you see on the way out and get to safety! Now!" she shouted as she saw Krista hesitate. Krista nodded and turned, and Samudra wasted no time in searching for others, which admittedly wasn't too difficult with all the screaming.  _

_ The ground trembled again, knocking Samudra to the ground. She turned as a large adra head--the adra statue of the Endless Paths--exploded from the ground, bright light glowing from its eyes and forehead. The Easter Barbican exploded, throwing stone chunks and various debris into the air and crashing to the ground beneath, as the large adra head collided with it. Scrambling to her hands and knees, she leapt up and made for the Keep. Servants and guards were already spilling from its doorways. Two guards manned the doors helping people out. "Go!" one shouted. "Make for the Western Barbican!”  _

_ The rush of kith coming from the Keep, screaming and crying along with the remainder of the adra giant breaking through the surface, gave Samudra pause for a fraction of a second. She heard a sound of crying to her left and snapped into action as she realized it was Émile, a neighboring lord’s young son, wild-eyed and screaming for his father. Samudra rushed to his side and clutched his hand. “Émile! Come on! We have to run!” _

_ “But, my pa!” Émile yelled. Samudra scooped the boy up and dashed for the Western Barbican. Then, the worst happened. She felt a tug at her soul. She pressed on, tugging back harder. That was when she saw the look on Émile’s face. His eyes were wide, his lips pale. “Watcher?” he asked quietly, fear lacing his little voice. Samudra felt his soul being tugged from his body.  _

_ “No, no, no,” she whispered. She gathered herself and grabbed the boy’s soul, tethering it to his body. With the extra exertion, she felt her own soul being tugged at again. She tried desperately to hold them both. The Western Barbican was in sight. Maybe if she could just reach it; maybe if she could just hold out until she could put more distance between herself, Émile, and the adra statue. Her vision became spotty, and she lost all thought and feeling as she felt dozens of souls in the air around her, all reaching out to her soul for help. She tried desperately to grasp at them and Émile’s and her own and then the world was dark. _

***************************************

The sway of the ship and the knock on the cabin door chased the memory from Samudra’s mind. She turned to the sound and wiped the stray tears from her eyes wondering when she had started crying. She knew her eyes were probably red and puffy. “One minute!” she called. She rose from the desk, covering the papers with books, and headed to the small vanity with the wash basin and rinsed her face, hoping it made her look halfway presentable. It would have to do. She practiced a smile and then opened the door. Her smile faltered slightly at the face revealed. "Aloth," she breathed. "Hi." There was so much else she wanted to say, but she didn't have the words for any of those things.

"Hello, Samudra," he said quietly. A shadow of a doubt passed over his face. He clasped his hands in front of himself tightly, obviously uncomfortable.

Samudra almost found it difficult to sympathize. An awkward silence passed between the two.  _ "Five years with no goodbye and not a word will do that," _ she thought sourly. Pushing the thought aside, she instead said, "Come in," in a way she hoped didn't come off as formal and stiff, stepping aside to allow space for him to enter. 

"Ah, thank you," he said with a an appreciative smile as he stepped into the room. He looked around, this being the first time seeing her quarters and still trying to acquaint himself with the ship. He turned to face Samudra and came very nearly face to face with her. He took a step back, his face reddening. "Excuse me," he apologized, suddenly very interested in a sprawl of paper and books in disarray on her desk.

Samudra chuckled slightly. "I know, it's a little small." 

"No!" Aloth exclaimed. "It's quaint."

Samudra raised an eyebrow. "And I thought my euphemism was nice."

The corners of Aloth's mouth turned up. "And how would you describe it?"

Samudra sighed, grimacing as she looked around. A little wooden box surrounded her. Four brown walls, no view of the sunlight, a space so small she could spit from one end to the other. "Suffocating? Smothering? Stifling? Pick one." She saw the pained look in Aloth's eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have dumped that on you." She paused and smiled at him, back to her normal, cheery self. "So, what can I help you with?"

Aloth frowned. "Samudra. I understand if you need to release some pent up frustrations and anxieties. It's alright."

Samudra fought the urge to grin at Aloth's unintentional innuendo. It was difficult since he was so genuine and pure in his concern. Cocking an eyebrow with a look of mischief in her eyes she stated, "You know, there was a time I would have thought you were coming onto me, Corfiser." 

Aloth sputtered and choked, his face turning beet red. Samudra laughed out loud, clutching her side and rubbing tears of laughter from her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Aloth, but you did kind of walk into that." She gasped for breath. Seeing his face, she cleared her throat, but failed to suppress the twinkle in her eye and the curve of her smile. "Sorry." 

Aloth grumbled, something about wondering how he got himself into these situations, but he couldn't stop himself from smiling as he saw the gleeful look in Samudra's eyes, a look he had spent countless lonely evenings thinking about. Especially considering her expression was much improved from the one she hid behind a mask of cheerfulness when she had opened the door for him not ten minutes ago. 

Samudra cocked her head to one side just slightly, the light from the small lantern on her desk catching a bead woven into her hair. "So to what  _ do _ I owe the pleasure of this late night visit?"

Aloth winced slightly. It stung that she thought he needed a reason, but the way they had parted, he couldn't blame her. That would have to be a conversation for a different night, though,  _ if  _ she was willing to give him the opportunity to have it with her. "I--it's only that--" He fidgeted slightly.

"Och, lass, the lad heard yer keening and his mind got all twittery like it does wonderin' what had ye so melancholy," Iselmyr cut in. 

"Yes, that's quite enough from you, now," Aloth quipped.

Samudra's blush showed even through her dark complexion. "You were worried? About me?" 

Aloth watched her facial features phase from embarrassed to pleased to confused to exasperated in quick succession. He cleared his throat. "I heard you. You sounded...upset." 

Samudra pressed her lips together and nodded solemnly. Backing up against her bed, she sat down gingerly. She clenched her fists in her lap, burying her nails in the palm of her hand, making it hurt just enough to stay grounded. She flinched sharply when Aloth laid a hand on her shoulder. 

Aloth quickly withdrew contact. He tracked her gaze to the jumble of papers buried by books on her desk, a quill dipped in ink mere inches away. He glanced at her but didn't say anything given her excitable mood. 

"They're letters," she said in a shaky voice. Aloth sat in the chair by the desk. "Letters to a family member of every person who died that night. If I could track someone down, I mean. I've been--" she started and closed her eyes tightly. When she opened them, there were fresh tears glistening. Her voice quivered as she continued, "I've been writing to the wife of a neighboring lord who was visiting." She bit down on her lower lip as it began to tremble. "Their son. He was there that night. Émile--he was a sweet child. Just turned four the week before--before Eothas came through." She risked a glance at Aloth who wore a practiced, stony façade. She gulped. "He--his soul slipped out while he was in my arms. I was rushing with him to the Western Barbican because he'd been separated from his father in the chaos. I couldn't hold onto his soul," she whispered. She wasn't looking at Aloth anymore or anything, really. 

"Samudra. You can't shoulder the weight of the blame that belongs with Eothas. You are not at fault," Aloth said firmly.

Samudra sniggered. "That doesn't bring them back. Or help their families. I felt them, Aloth," she croaked. "All of their souls cried out for help. I tried, I really tried. I couldn't hold them all; it was too much." She looked at Aloth.

The look appeared to Aloth to be one of someone awaiting trial. He wasn't sure what to say to someone with as much grief as she was feeling, but he had to try. "You're a good person, who cares very much for those around you. You care about the wellbeing others more than you care about your own wellbeing. If anyone could have saved them, it would have been you. But I promise that I will stay with you and help you avenge all those people. I'm truly sorry that this is yet another burden you must carry thrust on you once again by the gods."

Tears streamed down her face. "Thank you, Aloth. I know it's been a long time, but I'm glad to have you on my side." 

Aloth stood and walked to the door. He looked over his shoulder and felt a small but undeniable lump in his throat. "Samudra, I always have been and always will be on your side, whether we are near one another or far away." He smiled and opened the door and slipped out.

Samudra sat on the edge of her bed, contemplating the conversation. She reached out, extinguished her lantern, and laid her head on her pillow. Émile's voice and the screams were still in her mind, but so was Aloth's, softly reassuring her. Her heavy eyelids closed as the waves rocked her to a more peaceful sleep than she'd had since a reckless god came crashing into her world destroying everything she held dear.

***********************

Aloth walked somewhat clumsily to his hammock, which hung next to Edér's, on the other side of the ship. He felt no matter how many boats he boarded in the Deadfire, he never would quite get his sea legs.

Edér was awake, smoking his pipe, watching Aloth approach. He breathed out a smoke ring. "I don't know what just happened in there, but I know that's the first time I've heard her laugh since Caed Nua collapsed."

Aloth frowned. The woman he remembered laughed as easily as she breathed. "She's shouldering quite a bit of the blame," he sighed, settling into his hammock. He rested his grimoire on his stomach, folding his arms over it.

"Mmm," Edér offered simply. He scratched his beard. "She's stubborn like that. She'll come around, though. I know it. I'm glad to have you with us again, by the way, Aloth." 

Aloth smiled warmly, thinking about the fact that he had been able to bring Samudra a brief moment of respite and happiness. "So am I." It wasn't perfect, and he still had unresolved issues with the Leaden Key, but right now he felt other concerns press more heavily on him. Besides, it had been a long time since he'd realized he wasn't the only one with struggles, and a longer time since he'd felt the pull of another's struggles more heavily than his own. There would be time to fill Samudra in about the Leaden Key. For now, he'd just have to "go over some notes" until he felt she wouldn't collapse under the weight of another burdensome task thrust upon her.

  
  



End file.
